Barry Bonds at 754

I don't care for Barry Bonds. He's a jerk form I've seen and read about him. I know he's close to closing in on Hank Aaron's home run record.

When I was a kid, my parents let me stay up "extra" so I could watch hand break the record. Even though it's a vague memory at this point, I still have what I think I saw in my head. I don't want that memory erased by some performance enhancing drug using butt head ruining that for me.

Will I watch the historic occasion? I have this to say: "Hell no." Hank Aaron said he wouldn't be there wherever there might be. I hate to see a record tarnished with an asterisk. But that is what is going to happen. It will say: "Barry Bonds 7xx Home Runs*". So sad for the game of baseball.

Here's my solution: All the pitchers in the league band together after Bonds reaches 754 and walk him every time he is at bat. No matter what the score or the situation is. Better yet hit him with a pitch. Maybe it will force him into an early retirement. Give him 754 bruises to go with his home runs. Sounds mean, I know. But he's a real a-hole so why not.

Death by Dance

People, I wish I could say I'm making this stuff up. Apparently a man has died from a Dance-Off. His 1 upsmanship included the move he could only do once: DEATH. Don't believe me? Read about it here. I wonder if it started "West Side Story" style then progressed to the "Beat It" gang fight/dance then ended with this dude doing his Death Dance? On his tombstone: "Top that, Bee-Atch."

Spare a Square and Save the World?

Leave it to the "un" educated celeb set to solve the world's problems. Sheryl Crow has spent the better part of a bio-diesel-hippie-powered bus trip trying to solve the faux problem of global warming. She proposes the use one square of TP when you go to the "office".  Read about it here.

C'mon. I use two for a booger. I'll double over 4 or 5 times that many to avoid a "tear in the void" that results in a stinky chocolate hand. And what about those pesky clingers? Half a roll at best.

How would that law be enforced? Honesty policy? Some freakazoid watching you pinch a loaf from some hidden TP Nazi super secret yet biodegradable alarmist cam? Ooo. I know. An actual government appointed "watcher of the waste" that hands out squares based on the severity of the load. They would be required to use their best judgment. Knowing my luck, my "fecal police" would leave me hanging with a case of the crusties for the rest of the day.

Hello. Mr. Obvious?

Yeah. Hi. Long time listener first time caller. I wanna talk about Anna Nicole. I know it's been done to death just like she has but they released the autopsy report. Right. It was an accidental overdose. Read bout it here. Apparently her butt got infected. I don't think it was from some guy but from shots she was taking in her rear. Yeah. No wonder she seemed so F-ed up all the time. Even though some of the drugs were not in her name they were all meant for her. Strange.

I'm going to wait and see what kind of reality series her duaghter will have. I'd call it "Who's my Rich-Ass Daddy?"

2/3 the Bond and all the Poker

I went to my local Wal-Mart the other day to pick up the latest Bond adventure, "Casino Royale". I was particularly excited about getting it at Wal-Mart because the DVD box set came with a limited edition poker set that was designed after the cards and chips used in the movie. I'm not a poker player but I like having the occasional Bond collectible around. Man was I disappointed.

The only version of the movie that came in the box set was the full-screen version. What a rook! When will people realize that movies should be seen the way directors and cinematographers intend them to be seen? Listen people, uncle Mike is here to educate. Love the black bars on your TV set or get a 16x9 set. If you go pan and scan, you only get 2/3 of the shot. Here's an example from Star Wars:

Pan and Scan:


Original Aspect Ratio:

images from widescreen.org

So, as you can see, you are missing a good deal of the shot. So let's get with the program and view the films the way they were meant to be viewed. There is a reason the shots are framed a certain way. The film maker is telling a story. Think of it this way: How would you feel if you went to the book store and got a book but when you get home to read it you find that 1/3 of it is missing?

Needless to say I didn't get the poker set. That's okay I got all the Bond though.

Are American Idol Voters Retarded?

Haley over Sabrina? Sanjaya over Sundance? WTF? At least Antonella is gone. She was horrid. I guess the naked pictures kept her around for an extra 15 minutes of of fame. I can see Haley sticking around a bit. She's hot. Sabrina is a much better singer though. Heads above Haley. Now I didn't see the guys sing on Tuesday night. I was watching the "Gilmore Girls." So unless Sanjaya tore up "Waiting on the World" by John Mayer he was even less deserving of being in the top 12 than Haley. Judging from the Randy, Paula and Simon's expression he probably stunk up the place like he did last week. Personally, I think Sanjaya has been "outsourcing" his voting. I'm thinking he called up all his hacker friends that are now over here working and they are somehow gaming the system. If he wins, I smell an Idol conspiracy.

Farewell Sundance. Don't worry, you'll get a job. And a recording contract and whatever else. You got it goin' on dawg.

Gimme another beer

Now if I just had an easy chair with a built in toilet it would compliment my robotic beer fridge quite nicely...