Pest Exclusion

Sometimes the little things I see just crack me up. Here is a case in point.

I was driving into work with my wife today. She was driving so that gives me time to look around or daydream or whatever. I saw a truck next to me that had door magnets that read so and so's Pest Exclusion. I thought to myself hmm, is that some kind of kindler, gentler extermination? How would that exactly go down?

I could picture the exterminator, no, excluder walking onto the scene:

"Listen up critters. We've had some complaints for your sector and I'm here to set things straight. You there. Squirrels, Rabbits, Little Birds just step right over there. That's right everybody but the Opossum and Raccoon. We don't serve your kind here. You've been excluded. So you just get on out of here and don't make me come back. Yeah call animal rights. See if I care."

Just because an animal plays dead or wears a mask doesn't make them any less of an animal does it? But still, what a novel idea. Non-lethal extermination by exclusion. Brilliant.

Green n’ Sexxy!!

When I go green, I want to look damn good doing it. Think I'll pick up one of these puppies. Fisker’s Hybrid sports sedan. Screw you hippies in your Toyota Prius. I'm all about un-adulterated Green Materialism here. Sleek, Sexy, and Fuel Efficient. Gotta Love it.

Public Schools: “We make things gooder.”

Thank goodness she looks good. She should have at least said "world peace" or "end hunger."

Alternate Commuting Methods

What I wouldn't give for a pneumatic tube from house to my desk. I would just step in at the front door and *foomp!!!* off I go. And then on the other end *foomp!!!* "Hey everybody!"

It's all about time really. The other morning it took me 1 hour and 45 minutes. School is back in so the time it takes to get from my house to the interstate seems to increase exponentially.

I've tried leaving the house earlier but I'm, not that guy. I loathe the morning. Always have. Even when I was a kid mom would have to drag my sorry ass out of bed almost every morning. I never ate breakfast. That was 10 or 15 minutes of sleep I would "lose" in the morning. Get up (eventually), shower, catch the bus just in time and go to school.

Yesterday I left later. Well, I trimmed 15 minutes off. An hour and a half. Today I left even later. I left at 9:20 and got here at 10:05. Better but traffic was still pretty thick in places. That just means I have to stay till 6:30 or so. The drive in the evening is usually shorter but I won't get home till around 7:30 probably. Then eat, watch a bit of TV, pay bills then bed. So where is "my time"?

That's why I want the pneumatic tube. My commute will be a matter of seconds as opposed to hours. Plus I think it would be loads of fun. I could even go home for lunch. I would even have the luxury of using my own bathroom. No public toilets for me.

I'm not sure about the physics behind it but I don't really care. That's an SEP. Just make one and I'll install it.

Since it's just air I doubt I would even have to dry my hair after my shower. That would save an additional 5 minutes.

The Death of Reading?

I remember back in the day when the first Harry Potter book came out. I was amazed to see so many kids reading. They weren't playing video games nor were they watching TV they were reading. I was amazed. I haven't read any of the books myself and probably never will. I'm not a big fantasy genre fan. I prefer history, techno-thrillers and just about anything involving submarines. Any way I digress...

I've heard rumors that the beloved Harry could possibly meet his untimely demise in the last installment though it would seem unlikely to me given the fact that there are still a few movies left to be made. I just wonder that if Harry does end up ten feet under what will that do to the millions of kids and adults who only read Harry Potter books?

I could imagine all of J.K.'s myrmidons turning on her and storming her estate with pitchforks and torches. Imagine a bunch of LARPers, pre-teens and adults in business suits marching across the moors to exact the same brand of justice that Harry received at the hands of some nefarious evil. More than likely if Harry dies, he may well slip in the shower on his Hogwarts soap on a rope. It's soap on a ROPE Harry. You wear it around your neck so you don't drop it. It does make washing your feet kinda difficult though.

More than likely they'll bitch and moan on forums an blogs then just stop reading all together.

I see the death of Harry as the death of literacy. We've had good run. Farewell.

Hog got Balls!

Take a look at the motorcycle on the left. I know the pic is kinds grainy but my cell phone camera kinda sucks. Either that or I don't have the settings adjusted properly. Anyway, the bike on the left has a pair of gonads hanging down off the back. Not sure if they belong to the driver or the rider. The driver was a guy but the rider was a rather burly looking lass. So who knows.

What is this supposed to mean. I got balls? My bike has balls? I like balls? Kinda disturbing the things people try to say with their "things" on their stuff.

Death by Dance

People, I wish I could say I'm making this stuff up. Apparently a man has died from a Dance-Off. His 1 upsmanship included the move he could only do once: DEATH. Don't believe me? Read about it here. I wonder if it started "West Side Story" style then progressed to the "Beat It" gang fight/dance then ended with this dude doing his Death Dance? On his tombstone: "Top that, Bee-Atch."

Spare a Square and Save the World?

Leave it to the "un" educated celeb set to solve the world's problems. Sheryl Crow has spent the better part of a bio-diesel-hippie-powered bus trip trying to solve the faux problem of global warming. She proposes the use one square of TP when you go to the "office".  Read about it here.

C'mon. I use two for a booger. I'll double over 4 or 5 times that many to avoid a "tear in the void" that results in a stinky chocolate hand. And what about those pesky clingers? Half a roll at best.

How would that law be enforced? Honesty policy? Some freakazoid watching you pinch a loaf from some hidden TP Nazi super secret yet biodegradable alarmist cam? Ooo. I know. An actual government appointed "watcher of the waste" that hands out squares based on the severity of the load. They would be required to use their best judgment. Knowing my luck, my "fecal police" would leave me hanging with a case of the crusties for the rest of the day.

Hello. Mr. Obvious?

Yeah. Hi. Long time listener first time caller. I wanna talk about Anna Nicole. I know it's been done to death just like she has but they released the autopsy report. Right. It was an accidental overdose. Read bout it here. Apparently her butt got infected. I don't think it was from some guy but from shots she was taking in her rear. Yeah. No wonder she seemed so F-ed up all the time. Even though some of the drugs were not in her name they were all meant for her. Strange.

I'm going to wait and see what kind of reality series her duaghter will have. I'd call it "Who's my Rich-Ass Daddy?"

2/3 the Bond and all the Poker

I went to my local Wal-Mart the other day to pick up the latest Bond adventure, "Casino Royale". I was particularly excited about getting it at Wal-Mart because the DVD box set came with a limited edition poker set that was designed after the cards and chips used in the movie. I'm not a poker player but I like having the occasional Bond collectible around. Man was I disappointed.

The only version of the movie that came in the box set was the full-screen version. What a rook! When will people realize that movies should be seen the way directors and cinematographers intend them to be seen? Listen people, uncle Mike is here to educate. Love the black bars on your TV set or get a 16x9 set. If you go pan and scan, you only get 2/3 of the shot. Here's an example from Star Wars:

Pan and Scan:


Original Aspect Ratio:

images from widescreen.org

So, as you can see, you are missing a good deal of the shot. So let's get with the program and view the films the way they were meant to be viewed. There is a reason the shots are framed a certain way. The film maker is telling a story. Think of it this way: How would you feel if you went to the book store and got a book but when you get home to read it you find that 1/3 of it is missing?

Needless to say I didn't get the poker set. That's okay I got all the Bond though.

Gimme another beer

Now if I just had an easy chair with a built in toilet it would compliment my robotic beer fridge quite nicely...

Scamming the system

I have an idea. I'll teach my kids to act retarded so I can collect benefits on their behalf. Oh, wait. This lowlife already beat me to it.

In Defense of Monster.com

Well, in my previous post I said monster had outsourced a letter that was written in very poor English. Well, it was obviously a phishing scam but it made me laugh and think "what would it be like if a company outsourced their copy writing?" That would be hilarious.

Monster is taking steps to track down the source and hopefully squash it. It's like phishers and spammers aren't even really trying anymore. There must be some total retards out there that are answering these emails based on the 2-3% rule. That being if you send out a million emails you are bound to get a 2-3% reply rate. You dunderheads quit answering these scammers!

This is what you get when you outsource

I just got this message from Monster.com:

The subject line of the email is: Please, pay Your attention!

Monster.com company greets you.

We are happy to inform you that we had succesfully upgraded our
site. Because of our system has great changes, you
have to install Monster.com certificated utility (click here) to be able
to use monster.com database. If you don’t setup this tool
until March, 1st, 2007, you will not be able to use your account
You don’t have to answer this letter - it’s just a newsletter.
Thanks for cooperation.

Now for the record, Monster.com is a top notch operation. I have gotten my last 3 jobs courtesy of their web site. Not I'm not sure if this was an official email from them or if somebody is doing some phishing or some kind of shenanigans.

So what do I do now? Is my account expiring? Why should I have to install something on my computer to use your site? I don't get it.

Do you have the time?

According to an article on FOXnews.com, watches are going the way of the dodo. Apparently more and more people are not wearing watches in favor of keeping time with their cell phones, computers and iPods. Personally, I prefer a precision timepiece.

I'm currently wearing the beauty pictured to the left. It's a Citizen Skyhawk Black Eagle. It was a Christmas gift from Mrs. MikeTheBlog. Sure I look at the clock on my cell phone from time to time but I have to take it out of my pocket. I rarely carry my mp3 player (I'm not even sure I can set the time on mine) so that's not an option. I do look at the clock on my computer screen but it's right in front of my face. I simply prefer to push back a sleeve and turn my wrist slightly to check the current time.

I have a watch fetish but unfortualtley do not have the bank account to fully indulge. I really wanted an Omega Seamaster like James Bond wore in Casino Royale but those puppies run about 2800.00 US. Well, I'll save that for another day.

I like looking at my watch, twisting the dials and playing with all the features. It's got a flight computer built in on the face of the watch. I'm not a pilot -- yet. But when I become one I'll be ready. In the meantime I'll be able to convert from statute miles to nautical miles with a twist of the watch face;l but it's knowing that I can that makes me feel good.

Do I need a watch with all that stuff on it? Well, Yes. I like the fact that it is water proof up to 100 meters. If I'm 300 feet under water, that last thing I'd be concerned about is my watch but at least I know it can take it. I wear it when I swim and use the stopwatch feature to time my laps. So far my best has been 1/2 mile or 15 laps in 26 minutes. If I actually swam freestyle instead of side/breast stroke I could shave at least 7 or 8 minutes off that time. I digress. The watch will also allow you to switch time zones. Pretty handy if you don't feel like doing the math or resetting a watch as you travel. Plus if you are going long distances, say to New Zealand, you can "bip" it right on over to the AUK setting and start trying to adjust to the local time there. Pretty cool. The other neat thing is it's an Eco-Drive watch. It is charged by light. So unless I stay in cave for an unusually long time, I'll never have to change the battery.

So, suffice to say, watches may be losing ground to all the other gadgets and phones and various and other sundry things out there. I'll always have one on my wrist. That's the way I prefer it. I wear two pieces of flair: my watch and my wedding ring. Period.

Irony in the mile high club

Should yopu engage in illicit activity on the way somewhere to promote safe sex? Apprently Ray Fines thinks it's okay.

Pimp My Potty

Oh yeah. It is time to officially declare the "throne room" the "THRONE ROOM". Roto-Rooter is giving away the ultimate john. The quintessential crapper. It comes complete with an X-Box and a beer cooler. Now if they could just figure out how to turn it into a recliner. I want one. Check it out.

Jesus before His yearly review

If Jesus worked for the last company I worked for I think his last supper would have resembled this photo. You know Judas sold him out on his last performance review. Make sure Jesus is the only one doing the "big hands" thing.

I am Time Magazine’s Person of the Year

Thanks Time. Thanks for making me person of the year. Because I use the web I am person of the year along with millions of others whom I am sure have not made the impact on the web I have. I bet my blog has like 3 or 4 readers. And I do know that my myspace.com page has been viewed 262 times as of this writing. I even have videos on youtube.com I'm a web celeb. And I did all with out going out in public without any underwear on (at least on purpose).

The only caveat to being Time Magazine's person of the year is I can't leave my house without not being recognized. But as soon as I log in to myspace, whoa, Nelly!! everybody wants to be my friend. In fact, Kim Jong Il (number 2 in the voting) threatened to "nuclear test all over my IP address" if I didn't add him to my top 10 friends. So sorry, Kimmy. Those spots are for people who don't fall into the despot category. So be a nice dictator and go starve a village or something. Tool.

It's hard to believe I beat out the likes of the Hollywood elite, superstars of the political world on the left and the right and Leeroy Jenkins. I mean come on, that dude is a legend.

So again, thanks to Time Magazine, all those people who believed in me, my wife, my dogs, my mom, my dad, my brother, flabbyGuy1 and all my homies in the chat rooms for making this possible. Next stop: the Nobel Peace Prize.

TTFN

Thanksgiving in England - A weary traveller’s tale

My wife just posted an amusing story about trying to have a traditional Thanksgiving meal in England. It appears that once all the local colloquialisms were understood, a good time was had by all. Enjoy the read.